docweasel.com :: still an outlaw in their eyes

docweasel.com :: Monty Python's Life of Brian
Scene 5 : The Ex-Leper

text in yellow is from the Director's Cut

[music]
BRIAN:: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
MANDY:: Oh, stop thinking about sex.
BRIAN:: I wasn't.
MANDY:: You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it too small?'
BRIAN:: I was... just wondering if you thought my nose was--
MANDY:: Get your filthy little mind off it! You’re forty years old, now. You should have grown out of all that.
BRIAN:: I’m only just getting interested in it, Mum.
MANDY:: It’s time you got interested in a job, my lad.
LEPER #1:: Spare a shekel.
LEPER #2:: God bless you, sir.
LEPER #3:: Alms for a leper.
LEPER #4:: Alms for a leper.
EX-LEPER:: Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change.; Oh, here's a touch. Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MANDY:: Buzz off!
EX-LEPER:: Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MANDY:: A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.
EX-LEPER:: Half a talent, then.
MANDY:: No, go away!
EX-LEPER:: Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle.
BRIAN:: What?
EX-LEPER:: All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred.
BRIAN:: No.
EX-LEPER:: Seventeen-fifty?
MANDY:: Go away!
EX-LEPER:: Seventeen-forty.
MANDY:: Look. Will you leave him alone?
EX-LEPER:: All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MANDY:: Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!
EX-LEPER:: All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper.
BRIAN:: Did you say... 'ex-leper'?
EX-LEPER:: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN:: Well, what happened?
EX-LEPER:: I was cured, sir.
BRIAN:: Cured?
EX-LEPER:: Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
BRIAN:: Who cured you?
EX-LEPER:: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder.
BRIAN:: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
EX-LEPER:: Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--
MANDY:: Brian! Come and clean your room out.
BRIAN:: There you are.
EX-LEPER:: Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?
BRIAN:: There's no pleasing some people.
EX-LEPER:: That's just what Jesus said, sir.; [baaaa]; [clunk]