DAVID UNCTION

Graham Chapman

ARTHUR TREE

Eric Idle

BLOCK

John Cleese

The sketch:

DAVID UNCTION:

Well, that was a bit of fun, wasn't it? Ha, ha, ha, and a good evening to you! Not just an ordinary good evening like you get from all other announcers, but a special good evening from me to you. Well, what have we got next? This is fun, isn't it? Look. I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything that any of you may be doing at home, but I want you to think of me as an old queen. Friend, ha, ha, ha. Well, let's see what we've got next. In a few moments, 'It's a Tree', and in the chair as usual is Arthur Tree, and starring in the show will be a host of star guests as his guest stars, and then, at 9.30, we've got another rollocking half-hour of laughter-packed squalor with 'Yes, It's the Sewage Farm Attendants'. And this week, Dan falls into a vat of human dung with hilarious consequences. Ha, ha, ha. But now, it's the glittering world of show business with Arthur Tree.

(music)

CAPTION: 'IT'S A TREE'

(Stock film. Quick cuts. Plane arriving at night. Showbiz lights. Film premières. Audience applauding. Cut to studio: a tree sitting in a middle chair in David Frost type interview set. Zoom in on tree which has a mouth that moves.

ARTHUR TREE:

Hello. Hello people, and welcome to 'It's a Tree'. We have some really exciting guests for you this evening: a fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland; three gum trees making their first appearance in this country; Scots pine and the conifers, and Elm Tree Bole... there you go; can't be bad... an exciting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic.

PIECE OF LAMINATED PLASTIC:

Hi there!

ARTHUR TREE:

But first, will you please, please welcome... a block of wood!

FOREST:

(applause)

ARTHUR TREE:

Well, Block, nice to have you on the show again.

BLOCK OF WOOD:

Well, er, thanks, Tree. I've got to pay the rent.

ARTHUR TREE and BLOCK OF WOOD:

(laughing)

FOREST:

(laughing)

ARTHUR TREE:

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Super. Well, what have you been doing, Block?

BLOCK OF WOOD:

Well, I've just been starring in several major multi-million dollar international films, and, during breaks on the set, I've been designing a cathedral, doing unpublicized work for charity, er, finishing my history of the world, of course, pulling the birds, er, photographing royalty on the loo, averting World War Three... can't be bad... and, er, learning to read.

ARTHUR TREE:

The full Renaissance bit, really. Super. Super. Well, I've got to stop you there, Block, I'm afraid, because we've got someone who's been doing cabaret in the New Forest. From America, will you please welcome a Chippendale writing desk!

(animation)

CHIPPENDALE WRITING DESK:

Thank you, Mr. Tree. And I'd like to do a few impersonations of some of my favourite Englishmen. First off, Long John Sliver.

(animation)

Augh, Jim boy. Augh. And now, Edward Heath. Hello sailor. Now, a short scene from a play by Harold Splinter.

(animation)

COMPÈRE:

Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen? Wait a minute. We've got something else I just know you're going to love.

(fanfare)

Yes, sir. Coming right up... the Vocational Guidance Counsellor sketch.