Series 3, Episode 29: Money

PRESENTER

Eric Idle

The sketch:

(Begins with pictures of money, bank vaults, gold, etc. overwritten by 'THE MONEY PROGRAMME'. Eric Idle sits at a desk between Michael Palin and John Cleese. He begins quietly but becomes increasingly agitated as he speaks.)

PRESENTER:

Good evening, and welcome to The Money Programme. Tonight on The Money Programme, we're going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change. Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity, beautiful wayward curlicued banknotes, filigreed copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbly (?) rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books!

(He looks around in surprised realization that he's panting and screaming.)

I'm sorry.

(adjusts tie, darts eyes around room)

But I love money. All money. (growing excited again) I've always wanted money. To handle! To touch! The smell of the rain-washed florin! The lure of the lira! The glitter and the glory of the guinea! (stands up) The romance of the ruble! (stands on chair) The feel of the franc! (stands on desk) The heel of the deutschmark! (stomps foot) The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc! And the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar! (slaps knee)

(sings the rest while dancing across desk; Michael and John just look at him blandly.)

PRESENTER:

I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.

I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.

I've got lots of lovely lire.

Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer,

And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

PRESENTER and CHORUS:

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.

There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.

Some people say it's folly,

But I'd rather have the lolly.

With money you can make a splash.

PRESENTER:

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.

CHORUS:

...Money, money, money, money.

PRESENTER:

There is nothing like a newly minted pound.

CHORUS:

...Money, money, money, money.

PRESENTER and CHORUS:

Everyone must hanker

For the butchness of a banker.

It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round.

CHORUS:

'Round, 'round, 'round.

PRESENTER:

You can keep your Marxist ways,

For it's only just a phase,

For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round.

CHORUS:

...Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!